Raised by the best…but I’m still flawed

Motherhood sure has it’s way of humbling, changing, and growing us, doesn’t it?

I grew up with strangers approaching me in the grocery store, “you’re Mrs. Joseph Wood’s daughter!” It was something my sister and I always laughed about. We love being Mrs. Joseph Wood’s daughters but she never felt like a celebrity to us. To us, she was just the best mom in the world. Because of my mom’s ministry  we always were held to a high standard by others. I appreciated that high standard but at the same time I felt like people thought we were a little too perfect. I’d get comments all the time about how “because you’re Mrs. Joseph Woods daughter I bet motherhood will be so much easier for you.”

Motherhood isn’t easy for anyone. 

Motherhood is this beautiful, refining, and God-given role that isn’t easy no matter how you approach it (although a lot of prayer does help 😉 ). Now that I am a mom, I can confidently say I was raised by the best but I am still flawed. I still struggle with selfish desires, I secretly eat chocolate while the toddler isn’t looking, my house is dirty more often than I care to admit, and child training is a little crazy at times.

Sometimes I look at my toddler and think, “wow, maybe we aren’t blowing this whole parenting thing after-all.” Other times, I just pray I am not screwing this up… Then I call my mom and she reminds me that this too shall pass.

If I could duplicate anything my mother did in her child training years, I would just try to love as passionately as she does.

A Noble, Quiet Calling

In a day and age where we can be anything and anyone we want… we often forget the beauty of a noble quiet calling. A calling not shouted about on roof tops or worn as a badge.

The calling of a wife at home.

My father in law was the officiant at my wedding and the message he gave to me that day have stuck with me since. “The hand that rules the cradle, truly rules the world”.

Looking back over my years as a teenager and young adult, I had plenty of opportunities to go “be successful” or “make something out of myself”. Modeling careers offered, nursing opportunities offered at a well known hospital, and many other career choices I could have made. I was blessed to have parents that would support me in any of those endeavors. When I truly considered what I dreamed of, I came back to the home. The beautiful place where love is built. That is what I wanted. I wanted to be a wife. I wanted to marry a man that had a vision that I could support and be proud to raise children with.

It is a blessing to me today to say confidently, I am living my dream. Don’t be afraid to live your dream, to rise to your calling. Especially if that calling is a quiet noble one.

Yesterday I walked around the farm with friends that were visiting. As I breathed in the crisp air and the smell of pine trees, I felt so thankful. I am blessed to be living my dream with the husband I love. I watch the children run through the fields giggling and as free as a bird…I hope these moments never end.

So you want a Livestock Guardian

Livestock guardians are amazing animals. Some people use llamas, some people use donkeys, and some (like myself) use dogs. If you, like me, have settled on getting a livestock guardian – you may be wondering what you need to know.

Well I’ve got great news to for you! I’ve trained a few livestock guardians, tried various breeds, and had varying amounts of trials and success. So you get to learn from all my mistakes and victories! 🙂 I’ll be releasing an ebook soon with everything you need to know about purchasing, raising, and training a livestock guardian .

When my husband and I decided to purchase a livestock guardian for his 4th generation family farm, we put a lot of thought into it. I had raised Pyrenees and Anatolians before and was familiar with their pros and cons. A farmer friend from Kansas suggested the Karakachans to me and that began our lovely journey to finding my most FAVORITE livestock guardians.

Karakachans are a unique breed of dog. They are BIG, they are very independent, but as a general rule don’t tend to roam as much as the Pyrenees. This was a huge attraction point for us. Not to mention, they are bear dogs. They are an old old breed from Bulgaria known for protecting the tribes, armies, and their flocks.

So now that we found the breed we wanted, we were off on an adventure to find our first Karakachans.

Tune in later to get our PDF with top 5 questions to ask a breeder before purchasing a dog.

God will increase….faith

Life….what a roller coaster it has been lately.

This pregnancy has been quite the experience. It’s tested me from day one.

I found out I was pregnant on Christmas eve. I took two tests just to make sure. We had prayed for a baby but honestly, I was starting to think other people might be right. Perhaps I’m not healthy enough to have another pregnancy. Then God goes ahead and throws a little game changer in there. We were so thankful (Zech may have cried).

We did a blood test and found that some of my levels were low so I would need to start supplementing progesterone immediately. Kind of worrisome (that is what caused our previous miscarriages), but we chose to stay hopeful and just work really hard on it.

Fast forward to a couple weekends ago. We were at our dear sister’s wedding. I was helping shoot the wedding. It was a long day, I’ll admit. I didn’t eat breakfast, I was on my feet from 6:30 am to around 8 or 9pm. When we got home, I was bleeding.

Now, as someone who has already lost 4 babies too soon, when I see blood it is “the end” not just an uh-oh. We cried a lot of tears that night as we lay in bed. The next morning I remember waking up to “How Great Thou Art” and “It is Well” playing in my head. It was the first thing I thought of and as I lay there, I felt a strange peace…acceptance.

After a week of strict bed-rest, we weren’t bleeding anymore. We decided to go to the lab and do another blood test just so we would know if baby was alive or not. An ultrasound would have worked too, but those are way more expensive.

On Saturday we got news that our HCG was over 40,000. As I read the text from our midwife over and over I couldn’t help but cry happy tears. It wasn’t the results I was expecting. I had given this child over to God…and fully expected that He would call it home just like he had the others. Zech was gone when I got the message from the midwife so I kept a straight face and made him read it for himself. It took him a moment to process and of course, a few tears too.

I am not sure what God’s plans are for this child. All I know is that this child belongs to him and we will trust where he leads.

As one storm ends and another begins, I think – perhaps what we overcome yesterday God uses to prepare us for what we are to face today.

p.s

Shout-out to my Mommy Stelzer and Heidi for helping so much this past week. I felt so blessed by the food that Heidi brought us and by mommy watching Ellie. I am so thankful we have family near us.

Look up | Remembering the locust tree

Zechariah received a beautiful locust tree as a wedding gift. We planted it the summer we were married and have loved watching them grow. They are one of the most beautiful trees to bloom in the spring.

I didn’t always look at that tree with joy though. Beneath the roots of that tree we buried our miscarriages. I remember watching Zech dig the hole one winter day. The ground was frozen. The world seemed especially cold. I sat at the door step and held what once was.. my body was numb to the cold.

This isn’t a post about that though.. This post is to remind you to look up. 

One spring day not long after I was pulling the weeds around the base of the tree. I thought about what lay beneath it’s roots and then I happened to glace up. The purple blossoms swayed in the breeze. My heart felt peace…and it felt joy.

In life we have the ability to choose how we respond to our sorrows. There is a time to grieve and there is a time for joy. We have the ability to get lost in that dark hole with our buried dreams…or we can choose to look up.

Look up dear friends.

Life is so much more beautiful when we are looking up. Perhaps the blossoms are more beautiful because of what is buried beneath. I know that this locust tree was never more beautiful to me.

The tree is now bare again. The leaves are gone. The tree looks much like it did those few years ago… It brings back many memories but what I see most is hope.

Marathon Thoughts…

Well if you didn’t hear, we did it! We finished our very first marathon. Now the two main questions I get are, “How’d it go?” and “What’s next?”

How did it go? 

It was HARD but it was a blast. To give you a little idea of what we were dealing with let me break it down for ya. 😉

At the end of May I watched my brother in law, Ezekiel Stelzer, run for his college at Nationals. It was so awesome to watch and it is always inspiring to me. I decided instead of saying “I wish I could run” I would just go out and run. At the time I was dealing with a lot of migraines any time my heart rate was elevated so it was more than sore muscles I was worried about. With the encouragement of Zech and an awesome chiropractor, I decided I had to try. The MAIN thing we both agreed is that running would not get in the way of family. We both work in the family business. We both have a lot of commitments and we didn’t want to let anyone down by starting this journey.

Starting in June I began running 1 1/2 miles, strictly downhill while pushing a stroller. It took roughly 15 minutes. Ezekiel offered to help with advice and training plans which was awesome. Before long he had us running 3+ miles, doing intervals (evil things that involve running up hills), and swimming. Fast forward through all the long, boring, rewarding, disappointing, frustrating, workouts.

A month before our marathon day we decided to go on a road trip with my family. We visited New England, we ate a ton of Boston Donuts, we had a blast. A tinsy problem is that we didn’t manage more than 2 little runs for those 10 days. We had a diet change because we were on the road, and we really didn’t drink as much water as we should have been. Never mind that, we’re going to run a marathon one way or another! 😉

Fast forward to 3 days before the marathon. Ellie threw up that night. And from 10pm to 9am the next morning, I was sick and throwing up. Not getting a wink of sleep. This isn’t how I hoped to spend the days leading up the the marathon. Zech said we could cancel but we agreed that we at least had to *try* to run. So that day I ate lots of gentle foods but still didn’t have a settled stomach. At this point I couldn’t tell what was butterflies vs. stomach flu. We went in and picked up our race packets and it felt so much more real. All those long workouts finally were leading up to the big day.

I could barely sleep that night. I was so excited and nervous. We woke up ready to go! Ate a simple breakfast of PB&J sandwiches and hopped in the car to head to the marathon location. We ate about 4 hours before the starting time and the food didn’t really settle until after we started running. I was glad I had eaten so far in advance.

There is this funny moment. Where you watch all the other runners chatting, stretching, and warming up. You see the start line, and the finish line for the first time. You can’t help but wonder what you will feel like passing that line again later today. Everyone is lining up now. I’m trying to remember what our plan is and hoping I don’t freeze to death while waiting…. Finally the buzzer goes off and here we go!

Zech and I stuck together. I imagine he could have shaved off 30 minutes easily had he ran by himself. I was glad he stuck with me though. 🙂 We stuck to 10 minute pace – which is a pretty easy pace for me nowadays. Our goal was to maintain that pace until a little over half way and speed up if we could. That is where things went a little more off track though so it actually got quite a bit slower after mile 16.

I just wanted to keep going. I wanted to finish. I didn’t want to give up. The thoughts going through my mind sounded something like…

“Is my hip about to break? Pretty sure this is what that feels like…”

“Can I even finish?”

“Not finishing isn’t an option…move faster legs!”

The thing running has taught me is the power of the mind. Subconsciously, I can be very negative towards myself. I learned during many early morning runs, hot afternoon runs, and incredibly long runs, that you have to maintain a strong mindset while running. This helped a TON during the marathon. Finally – I had to realize that no this marathon didn’t look like what I hoped but I was giving it 100%. I kept asking myself, am I running (or in some cases – walking), my best? Will I be proud of myself when I lay in bed tonight? As long as the answer was yes, I am happy. After mile 19 or so it was pretty much Zechariah that kept us going! Whew…sure glad he came along for this ridiculous marathon journey. 😉

After mile 22ish… all I could think about was that I wanted to cross the finish line going strong. I wanted the cross the line and see my toddler. The thought of seeing my toddler waiting at the finish line totally made me cry.

You see, during all those 5am workouts – I ran with her in the stroller many days. A lot of times when things got tough, she was the motivation that kept me going. My goal wasn’t to finish a marathon – my goal was to be a strong and healthy mother. I had lived the last 3 years being sick to some degree or another and I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do “impossible” things. As we got in the 1 mile range Zech said we needed to pick up the pace and so we did. We ran through the finish line going strong and I may have cried a little bit. 

Then this moment washes over you, like a little bit of disbelief. It’s over. Everything you worked for has come to a great climax and it’s now finished.  Really my biggest victory wasn’t crossing a marathon finish line but it was the journey. The journey was so much more fullfilling to me. I got to experience so many things, connect with so many people, and create so many friendships on this journey. Every time I got a note from one of you saying that it inspired you to run, or walk, or exercise a little more, it totally blessed me. It made my next workout so much more enjoyable.

So where are we going from here? Is Ironman still in our sights? 

Well to be honest, I am enjoying this last month free of running. I’ve missed running a ton but the rest has been nice. Zechariah and I will begin exercise again shortly. We want to maintain a healthy fitness life balanced with family life. We TOTALLY plan to conquer Ironman but foresee it being something a few more years down the road. Perhaps we will be 50 when it happens.

You see, the thing about Zech and I is that we enjoy challenging ourselves. We have this idea in our heads that life is hard on those that are easy on themselves…and life is easy on those that are hard on themselves. So the challenge is great. We are excited to conquer it BUT we also have a family. Training for a marathon, much less an Ironman, takes a fair deal of time. It takes a commitment that we decided will need to wait. In the meantime, we will do marathons and half marathons as well as cross training.

My encouragement for anyone considering this journey.

Don’t “plan” to do it someday. Just start now. And when your feet are beating the trail, and you’re starting to get tired, remember that sometimes it isn’t how well we start it is about how well we finish.

You’ve gotten soft

Has being a dad made you soft? Yes. But only in the best of ways.

Has being a dad made you walk slower? Yes. But now you see more beauty around you.

Has being a dad changed you? Yes. But I love you all the more for it.

Today I watched you help your little girl save a mole from the hole that you had dug for the fence posts in our goat pen. We both know that you would have killed it without a second thought usually. I probably would even encourage you to kill it. But today, I was proud to watch you take care of your daughter’s heart first. She cheered as the little mole climbed up the post that you angled in the hole for it. Soon it reached the green grass and she wished it farewell. In her eyes, you’re a hero. Thank you for stopping to make an impression on our daughter. She may not remember this moment but I know I always will.

This is what I was made for…

Some days I just want to freeze time for a moment so that I can fully appreciate all that is happening around me. Don’t we all wish that?

Eleanor is growing by leaps and bounds. Her confident yet kind heart is something that blesses me and inspires me daily.

She brings us a special sort of joy.  On hard days, on long days, on days I don’t want to relive, she brings my heart such hope. She reminds me that there will be laughter again, that we can sleep when we’re dead, and not to lose sight of the beautiful things around us each day. Children have a way of drawing us out of our secluded bubbles and opening our eyes.

 

 

Am I A Runner Yet?

I have this crazy dream… or nightmare depending on what your opinion of fitness is. 😉

I want to complete an Ironman.

If you know me, you probably think “girl, you’re crazy”.

For the last two years or so I’ve had terrible headaches and migraines. Especially any time I got my heart rate up. It seemed to be getting worse and finally, when I could no longer walk uphill I found a solution. Long story short, and a year of chiropractor appointments later, I am finally able to exercise again! The headaches still come but not has often or intense.

It’s always been a secret dream of mine to complete an Ironman.  Zechariah loves the idea, Zeke offered to train us, and we haven’t got any excuses left.

This Autumn we are going to run our first marathon. We will see how that goes and hopefully it will be the first of many.

What happens if we don’t make it to Ironman? Right now, I am taking it one work out at a time. We might be 80 by the time we are able to sign up for one but we will get there. The goal is 2020.

Am I A Runner Yet is my instagram account where I am keeping records of how my workouts are going. It’s more of a personal journal of our progress than anything else. I post a picture a day with a short update on how things went. 🙂

Are you wanting to start running? Just take the first step and one day at a time. Together, we will both reach our goals. 🙂

Remembering and Living

A song comes on, the sun shines through the tall wheat a certain way, or I smell a specific fragrant flower, and I remember. I remember the children I could have had, but don’t.

Friends, reality is that we will experience grief in our lifetime.

We can’t be afraid of remembering but we also can’t let that keep us from living. I don’t often think of the children I could have had. I choose to think of the child I do have, the life I have, and the life I want to have. When I do remember those precious lives, I thank God for them and the joy they brought us.

My encouragement to anyone experiencing grief is this, don’t be afraid to remember and don’t be afraid to live. 

I hope that if any of you are experiencing grief right now, that your hearts will be comforted.